


Why Can't I Cry?

by SquaryQ



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Air Force, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - War, Army, F/M, Fighting, Funeral, Grief/Mourning, KIA - Freeform, Loss, Marines, Moving On, Slowly but surely moving on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 19:23:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8909005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SquaryQ/pseuds/SquaryQ
Summary: He said he would be back just after his 34th. He lied.





	

_“I’ll be home before you know it! About two weeks after my 34 th I would guess.”_

 

Bullshit. Utter bullshit. He didn’t have a clue but she believed him and now this happened.

 

Standing out in the rain in silence, she stared at the floor. Her two quiet companions stand still, holding umbrella’s over her as she tried to compose herself, but to no avail. This wasn’t fair. Why had she believed him?

 

She always believed him.

 

She would go months without hearing from him and she just had to believe that he would be fine. This was going to be his last round of duty. By springtime he would have retired and they could finally start that family they had wanted. Two sons they would show the beauty of the world, two sons to fill the hole in Zoe’s heart left from when one of her two beloved Staffordshire bull terrior, the white one with the brown patched eye, Sawney had been hit by a car fifteen months ago. When Sawney died, he told her he was resigning after he was finished with his tour.

 

Zoe sighs, looking up at the clouds, remembering the overcast day that she had found out about this mess. The worst day of her life. His 34th birthday. 

 

They had been sat in the house, drinking to celebrate his birthday, not that he was home for it. But they got together for his birthday every year, whether he was there or not. The four friends had been inseparable since they were at the academy, training to be in the air force. There were once more of them, but each year it seemed that less of the group would attend his party.

 

Nanaba had killed herself due to severe PTSD, Gelgar had died in the field. Illse too. Those four were all who remained.

 

Erwin was currently on duty, and his partner, Zoe, had been adamant that Mike and Levi, the only two left, would join her for drinks. Just as they were toasting to his success, there was a knock at the door. Mike answered it, it was his turn to pay for the Indian take out. None of the trio particularly liked it but it was Erwin’s favourite.

 

A sombre air had hit the room when Mike saw a tired looking officer stood outside of the house, hands shaking as he saluted the blond man who he may or may not have recognised.

 

“I- I- I am looking for Miss Zoe…” The man says.

 

Zoe got up from the table in the kitchen, having heard her name, she saluted the man at the door, “What seems to be the problem?”

 

“Miss Zoe, your partner, Erwin Smith has been officially declared KIA…He crashed his plane in order to save his underlings and take out several of our foes eastward.”

 

KIA…

 

KIA.

 

Her partner, he had been declared KIA.

 

She had almost passed out in horror, having to be caught by Mike. She was in shock.

 

She was still in shock.

 

A gust of wind sweeps her hair astray. Zoe approaches the plot. Even his parents had gone home already.

 

She wore a plain black dress as she cast wary glances at his plot. He had been buried on this day, but she was not satisfied. This wasn’t fair. She couldn’t cry. Why couldn’t she cry?

 

“C’mon, Hanji, let’s go home,” Levi said, giving her hand a gentile squeeze.

 

“Yeah…”

 

“I mean, we kind of have to ensure Mike gets a good night’s sleep, he goes back to base tomorrow.”

 

Zoe’s lips pressed into a fine line. That was right, Erwin had died but the world had to carry on.

 

Levi and Mike reached their hands out toward the grieving woman and gave her hands a gentile squeeze, leading her away from the cemetery.

 

Tears that glistened like diamonds in the moonlight raced down Mike’s face as he tried to move with confidence – as he tried to move as if he hadn’t been shaken by what had happened. But if someone as great and powerful as Erwin could die in the field, no matter how sacrifice-orientated and selfless his actions had been, he could easily fall.

 

Levi says nothing as he and the crying Mike take Zoey to her car. He gets into the front seat and begins a slow drive back toward her house. Back to the empty house, filled with memories of him.

 

He pauses at a red light and turns the car toward Mike’s house, dropping him off before gunning the engine and taking the numb Zoe’s car away.

 

It took him half an hour to get there. Half an hour in heavy and empty silence, only for it to be broken once they parked.

 

“Why are we here?”

 

Here was a small town slightly west of where Zoe and Erwin had spent their adult life. Levi had parked the car beside an old oak tree, a tire swing strung up on one of the branches. Autumn leaves danced in the October breeze, filtering down to the ground. They fell like tears.

 

Levi climbed out of the car, walking into the field which stretched out behind the tree. Slowly Zoe does the same.

 

“Why are we here?” she repeated.

 

“This is where I grew up, with Farlan and Isabel. Remember them? They died in their first term. They died as soon as they were put on the front lines. HE saved me from joining them. And now Erwin’s with them right now, apologising because he beat me up there. They’re gonna take care of him.”

 

Zoe looked up at the sky and her face contorted, swollen lips and reddening eyes showing themselves before Levi as the first teardrop of a cyclone fell from her eyes.

 

Levi let his guard down too and embraced her. They wept.

 

“It’s going to be okay. I’m here, Zoey.”

 

"Thank you."


End file.
